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You might recognize that quote from the film When Harry Met Sally. In the film Harry tells Sally very bluntly that men and women cannot be just friends and most of the women in my life strongly agree. However, I can only agree with Harry to an extent. I believe that it is a very rare possibility to have a solid female/male friendship, but this can be achieved only as long as there is a mutual understanding on how the other is viewed.
I personally have had many male friends come in and OUT of my life. The friendship begins naturally and blooms into a great relationship until he develops romantic feelings towards me. When this happens, the friendship becomes more complex and difficult to maintain because I don’t feel I can confide to him about my own personal dating life. I also don’t feel I could turn to him when I need a “friend” because he could look at it as an easy opportunity to get “closer” to me.
Realistically, I cannot have a friend that, in actuality, wants to potentially date me. I ask myself “How did this friend develop feelings for me without my knowing?” After many years of experiencing this unfortunate reoccurring event (believe me when I say that this SUPER sucks), I have taken it upon myself to demonstrate the following key indicators that may predict a friendship will NOT work:
There are many more indicators of what does not make a solid male/female friendship, and the list is always evolving. Of course, just like every adult, I’m evolving and learning as well. Friends truly are our chosen family. That said; since they are chosen, please choose wisely and be honest with yourself and them. You owe it to yourself and your “friend”.1. You are attracted to him or he is attracted to you.
If you can picture yourself doing anything physical with him or catch yourself day dreaming about him, for instance whisking you away on a fabulous romantic date that would be in a romantic film, then forget about a friendship. I can admit that my guy friends are handsome, but that is because I have two eyes and 20/20 vision. They may say that I’m pretty or cute--on the same level as a bouquet of pink daises or a golden retriever puppy--because they have two eyes too! Ha!
2. You do not talk to him about your dating/relationship life.
If you are monitoring what you say to him because you think he will get jealous or hurt, then that is not a friend. All of my friends, female or male, are protective of me because they care about me. Ultimately, they all want me to be happy and find my Mr. Wonderful.
3. He is affectionate with you.
We are all familiar with the “friend hug”. It’s about 2-3 seconds, maybe a couple pats on the back, and requires no translation for what kind of hug it is. In other words, if you are doing something with your friend that you would normally do with your boyfriend or husband, then it is NOT appropriate. If you think that their touch was weird, then your intuition may be valid. Therefore, this interaction is not typical friendship behavior.
4. Your boyfriend or husband is jealous or uncomfortable.
First, I am going to assume that your relationship is healthy. Next, I will assume that your partner has no jealousy issues nor has a reason not to trust you. That said, if your significant other is expressing concern that he is not comfortable with a particular male friendship you have, then it is best that you listen and take action. Let’s face it--men know the male species MUCH better than us women do (frustrating I know!). If a guy is telling you that “so and so” has romantic intentions with you, then he has good reason to say so and probably some good points.
5. You have him in your life as an “ego booster” or “rebound”.
Personally, this is my favorite key indicator of a doomed male/female friendship. If you are friends with a man so you can have him around to boost your self-esteem, then it is not a genuine friendship. The reality is, it is not his responsibility to be your rebound when you have a breakup. A male friend plays the same role in your life as all your other lady friends. Perhaps instead of doing “girly” things you’d do with your girlfriends, you might want to try participating in more “masculine” activities with him. Either way, the time spent with him is literally the same level of value and importance as your other friends.
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