How to Say NO To Your Kids & Stick With It
Tip #2: Say “No” Without Saying “No”
If saying “no” in general is a challenge for you, use an alternative method. There are many good ways to say no without using the work no. When your child asks permission to go play video games, for example, you could answer, “No, you need to do your chores first.” Instead reply, “Yes, as soon as you get your chores done.” Starting your answer with a “yes” gives the illusion of permission while still setting standards, limits and expectations. Kids are less likely to contest an answer that starts with yes. (But they still will—we’ll take a look at that in a second.)
Again the tone and quality of the relationship and conversation improves when yes, vs. no, is the foundation of your dialogue. When kids have the feeling your looking to say yes, not no, they’ll instinctively want to work with you vs. against you.
Even with your best “yes–based” answers, kids will still test your boundaries. Once you’ve given your “Yes, you can ...as soon as you…”all you have to do is play it back like a broken record in response to their attempts at negotiation. Keep a firm matter of fact tone and replay over and over until they relent.
“Yes, You can ...as soon as you…”
“But Kate doesn’t have to”
“Yes, You can ...as soon as you…”
“That’s not fair!”
“Yes, You can...as soon as you…”
Usually kids will tire of negotiation when they find it’s no longer effective in manipulating the situation and only postpones the inevitable—them following directions so they can get whatever privilege they’re after. However, it’s my personal policy to NEVER repeat myself more than three times. If I have to repeat my answer more than that, my next response is to firmly state, “You have my answer. If you ask me again the answer will be NO.” ONLY do this if you KNOW you’re going to follow through! Consistency is the name of the game here.
BONUS: This works on adults who act like kids too!
